Canine Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia (AIHA & IMHA) - Toqua lost her battle

I made the appt for 3pm, knowing I would at least have the day with Toqua. Despite a beautiful day she just wanted to be inside. She was having troubles getting up, and had become unstable when walking even on carpet. She was spacey today. She was telling me. A quick exam revealed that she was in distress, and the episodes were coming so close together that she didn't have time to really recover before the next one hit. With Toqua's best interest at heart I made the decision to end her suffering. She was so strong and made it so much longer than even the experts thought she would. My little fighter. So, we went out back into the kennel area and she laid down in the grass. She was calm and I was too surprisingly. It was over so fast. Like it was over before it really began. It was very peaceful. I told her she was good girl and that I loved her and that was it. Before we left I gave her some names - Wiley, Chance, Kahlu, and Macy (so sorry for not remembering them all) and told her to find them and have fun. I can't believe she is really gone. Her ashes will be coming home to me soon, and I plan to plant a tree. Jennifer - I would like to contact the artist you had do the beads. I have to go as another fit of uncontrollable sobbing is coming over me. Thank you all for you kind words, support and prayers. I know it all helped. May Toqua and all the others who passed before her find health and heaps of bunnies and squirrels to chase until we see our dear friends again. Jessi

Jessi BC

Jennifer & Family Please accept my heartfelt condolences in the loss of your Toqua. I know this was expected but it still hurts when it is time to say that final good-bye. In time I hope you can celebrate her life and remember all those little funny things she would do to make you smile. Toqua will have some greeting party when she arrives at the bridge. You gave her a wonderful life full of love and good times and when she needed you most you had the courage to do what was best for her. I don't think any dog could ask for more. RIP Toqua Cheryl & Ginger

Cheryl & Ginger Pinevile Pa

Jessi, Yes there is a whole group of Giant Schnauzers waiting at the bridge for Toqua, with Chance in the lead, and they will show her around in style. God bless. With love, patrice

Patrice NYS

Dear Jessi, Please accept my deepest condolences. You have so many wonderful memories with your special girl, the sad memories will fade in time. The day will come when you will look back and only remember the special relationship and wonderful times with Toqua. Kahlu will welcome her with an inviting playbow, he always liked the girls! She is not alone and will watch over you. Keep an eye on Finn, he will be grieving too. May your broken heart heal. With deepest sympathy and love, Brigitte

Brigitte BC Canada

I am new here but have been checking in daily. I am so sorry for your loss.

Lisa CT

Hi Jessi, I am so so sorry you had to say goodbye to your Sweet Toqua today. What a tough girl she was throughout her illness. She had a great mama taking wonderful care of her and thats why she beat the odds and stayed with you longer than expected. And boy did you and her make the most of that extra treasured time!!! Be kind to yourself during this difficult time. I will light a candle for your beautiful girl tonight. Take care, Teresa ****Rest in Peace Sweet Girl Toqua****

Teresa va

Jessi, As Cheryl said I'm sure there is a giant party at the bridge tonight with all of our pups greeting the newest angel, Toqua. I am so sorry for you, but it sounds like you made the right choice. You did everything for her that you possibly could and poured your love into her. Take care of yourself in the coming days, the first few are the worst. It does get better! Remember that Toqua is always close by. I am convinced Riley watches over me. Here is the website for the cremains beads: http://www.juniperhollow.com/CremainsJewelry.html Jennifer Price is artist and she was so wonderful and compassionate to me as I figured out what I wanted. Please tell her I sent you and I'm sure she'll take extra good care of you!! Her direct email is: jennifersprice@hotmail.com or her phone number is on the website. The beads she made me have brought me immeasurable comfort. Love and peace to you.

Jennifer

Jessi: Toqua was a truly special dog and her life/fight/determination were reminders to Mike and me of how important it is to live every moment in the moment with your fur kid. For that we thank you. Hopefully someday soon you will be able to think of all the wonderful times you shared and smile. In the meantime I hope you can take comfort knowing that she is pain free, frolicking at the bridge with so many other cherished fur kids and watching over you. Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Rita, Mike and Sheba

Rita IA

Jessi, Been following your story with Toqua. I can tell you that you should be very proud of yourself and of her. No more suffering for you or her....I just feel for you as I remember the day like it was yesterday. Part relief, part peaceful, but mostly this overwhelming sadness that is pretty indescribable. I just can only say how impressed I am with your strength and resolve. There is nothing that anyone can truly say but take comfort in knowing that you did your best and your girl knows it. The bridge just gained another great one....forever until you reunite with Toqua. Running as free as her strongest day and looking down on you with pure appreciation for all you did for her. I am truly sorry Jessi....you are an awesome owner and mom. -Darren

Darren Long Beach

I am so very sorry that you had to say good-bye to Toqua today. I know how you feel. I am thinking of you in your time of sadness. You can add Oliver to the list of puppies who are now all running and playing together and welcoming Toqua. Take care.

mardi Northern Calif

I'm so sorry Jessi... God bless Toqua and Heaven absolutely is blessed yet again.

Josh California

Dear Jessi - Josh put it beautifully, "heaven is blessed yet again". My heart aches for you at this time - you shared Toqua with us, and we share in your pain. God bless. Silka & Bonnie XXXXX

Silka Melbourne Australia

Dear jessi I am so sorry to hear your news. You made the last months with Toqua full and happy, so many happy memories were made, I can tell from the stories you shared. You made such a brave decision today - no more pain for Toqua. Run free dear Toqua, sam and Millie xoxo

Samantha Geelong Australia

Dear Jessi, You have my heartfelt condolences on the passing of Toqua. Please find comfort in that Toqua lived a wonderful life full of love. You are in our prayers. Barb and Tootsie

Barb Ohio

Jessi - I am so sorry about Toqua. I hope it brings you some comfort that her passing was peaceful and you were able to be with her - I think it is all we can ask for in the face of such a difficult loss. I also hope you are comforted by the wonderful life you gave her, particularly following her cancer diagnosis - that you were able to put aside your feelings to give her a normal, happy life is so impressive - you handled it with such grace and Toqua had better days for your selflessness. I am sorry for your pain right now. Thank you for sharing her story. Bonnie

Bonnie Chicago

Thanks guys. Of course by the end of reading all these I was sobbing. So hard. I am so greatful to have Finley here. He has been so sweet. When I got home I was sitting on the floor and he came over, stood on my legs and wrapped his head around my neck. Gave me the biggest doggy hug. I had Toqua's collar and he wouldn't stop licking it. Later it was sitting on the arm of the sofa and Fin went over and sat by her. He wouldn't come over to me. He wanted to be by his sister. Even at bed time her just wanted to lay with her, he wouldn't come to bed. There is so much I want to say to each of you; I cannot find the words right now. But I do know that Toqua is having a blast. When she was 10 months old I was working in a restaurant. The doggy daycare that we used was keeping dogs overnight for New Year's so owners didn't have to worry about their pups. When I went to get her they were so relieved she was leaving. I asked if she had done something. Well, miss Toqua. She had kept ALL the dogs up and playing all night. They told me that they had just gotten everyone to sleep and Toqua got them all up and excited. No one slept the whole night because of her! Of course I am still upset with the decision I had to make. I know it was the right decision, and really the only decision. But that was Toqua, stubborn as all heck and doing it her way to the bitter end. I don't know how long she would have hung on for. It was clear that she was in trouble, and Dr. Stover confirmed my concern. He again gave me props for the lengths I went for her. That made me feel better. He asked me if I wanted to take her home, if I needed more time. But seeing her how she was was killing me. She was no longer my Toqua. I would have loved more time with her, but she was so sick she wasn't enjoying even the simplest of things. I knew when she completely ignored the soup bone that things were bad. I do take comfort knowing she is healthy and happy now. And she will have all your pooches so exhausted. :) But I am heart broken that she is no longer here with us. Even now I am able to think of her and smile. But it comes and goes. And when it comes, WOW. The waves crash down on me and I am drowning in sadness. I know this will wane in time. This first morning waking up without her, realizing she isn't on her bed beside me was rough. All in good time. We had a great day laying on the floor together yesterday (that's about all she had the energy for). I told her everything I needed to, sang her our songs, and just laid with her. I am so sorry for everyone else who has had to deal with this. No one should. And I thank you all for your kind words. Rest in Peace (although I am fairly certain she isn't resting) my dear girl. Jessi & Fin

Jessi BC

Jessi, reading your posts brings tears to my eyes! I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm happy that Toqua has such a big welcoming party at the bridge. I can just picture her keeping the other dogs awake now telling them stories! The little sweetheart! So long as you know that everything you did was for Toqua and she knew the love you had for her. She was incredibly lucky to have you there for her. I hope you and your family remember the good times and the beads sound like a really nice idea and memorial. Give Finley some hugs for me. Poor fellow. Show him the love you showed Toqua and all will be OK. My deepest sympathies and heartfelt condolences to you, the family and Finley. Johnny & Tessy

Johnny

I've been thinking. Uh-oh. I am trying to understand why this happened. Why this happened to such a great dog. To all these great dogs. That is the one thing that is echoed by every human to describe their pooches - irreplaceable. These dogs all seem to be the great ones. I think it speaks to our character. Our strength. I find I am super paranoid that something is going to happen to Fin. That he will get hurt or sick. And I know it is in light of Toqua's battle, so unexpected. And then I think what are the chances? But you hear of those stories - lost 4 dogs to rare diseases in 4 years. What are the chances? Again I think that it is our strength. The powers that be know it and entrust us with these special hounds knowing we can and will handle it. We will continue to sell the shirts off our backs (if needed) to ensure all that can be done is done. Just a though...........

Jessi BC

Hi Jessi, I am so so sorry to read about Toqua. For many months your posts have helped me cope with Archie's situation. Thinking of you and hope you get the strength you will need. Best wishes, Sue and Archie

Sue Cambs UK

Jessi, I am so sorry for the pain you are having to deal with right now. Toqua sounds like she was such a special girl. I had to laugh through my tears when I read how she kept everyone up at the doggy day care center. I am glad that you had all the extra special days with Toqua. I am the one that posted about losing 3 dogs in 4 years to unrelated rare diseases. Yes I believe they were sent to me because someone knew that I would, like you give them the best life in whatever time they had and mourn them deeply when they were gone. Toqua will always have that special place in your heart and you will see her again someday. Sharing in your sorrow Penny

Penny Lytle Creek Calif

Jessi, I haven't posted in a while here on the forum as not been keeping too well myself...just to be like my beagle Nollaig with pure red cell aplasia I have also been diagnosed with an auto immune chronic disease namely rheumatoid arthritis...we're a pair now I'm on immune suppressants hopefully work better for me than they did for her(although she's still keeping well thanks God)! Despite this I have been following all the recent posts and yours has stood out and touched me most...the strength and determination that both you and your Toqua have shown is inspiring...you were clearly meant to be together...and so you will be again it's inevitable! I know you are hurting so so badly but please remember how brave your Toqua was even at her lowest ebb and take strength from her energy which is still and will always be alive in your heart...until you meet again. Please continue to visit this forum Jessi, your input is invaluable to others,and please give big cuddles to Fin,who is grieving himself but he also hurts when you hurt. Take care of yourself Jessi this will have taken it's toll on your health and you need time to recover. Kathleen and Nollaig

Kathleen North Ayrshire

Jessi, I am sorry to hear of your loss. As I posted in another thread for you; the love never dies. You are in our prayers. Sue & Ren

Susie Delaware

Dear Jessi, My heart aches for you and your loss. Not so long ago, I too, lost a very, very "special" dog to cancer. I, also, had to make that awful decision. At that time, my vet sent me a lovely card with a message that (although it made me cry) still gives me great comfort. I pass this along to you, in the hopes that it will give you some solice---and I dedicate it: In Loving Memory of "Toqua" If it should be I grow old and weak And pain prevents my peaceful sleep, Then you must do what must be done When this last battle can't be won. You will be sad, I understand, Selfishness might stay you hand, But on this day more than the rest, Your love and friendship take the test. We've had so many happy years That what's to come can hold no fears. You'd not want me to suffer, so When the time comes please let me go. I know, in time, you too, will see It is a kindness that you do for me. Although my tail its last has waved, From pain and suffering I've been saved. Do not grieve it should be you, Who must decide this thing to do. We've been so close, we two, these years... Don't let your heart hold any tears.

Maureen BC Canada

I too am so very sorry for your loss. I am sure your baby has met Stormie by now as well as my grandrabbit, Moose, whom we lost in January...Stormie and Moose are great sister friends! Take care of yourself. It takes a long time to stop crying (did for me)...after 8 years I still have moments when I have to cry for Stormie. Again, I am so very sorry. Mrs. Gates

Mrs. Gates Michigan

Wow, so many kind words from you all. Still finding it quite hard. Mornings seem to be the worst. Fin too is finding it difficult at times. He is still looking for Toqua, and the sight of her collar causes him anxiety. We'll get through this one step at a time. I was surprised to read that our story and strength have been an inspiration to a number of people. That so many were so closely following our story. Well, I guess I'm not that surprised. Toqua touched everyone who met/knew her. I am glad that some have found the strength for their own battles through Toqua's story. I think that living each day, each moment to the fullest was huge for me. It was difficult to not think of the "bad day she had yesterday" or, what tomorrow would bring. But to just focus on the here and now. In doing that I have no regrets. Each day that she stayed here was a true blessing. Take them to that special place, take pictures, and give them those special treats. Tell them you love them every day. Toqua knew how special she is to me, I made sure of that. When I took her in on Tuesday she could hardly get up, and was having a difficult time on the linoleum floor. As we walked through the clinic out to the back Dr. Stover was holding her hips to help her balance. From the back door there were two wooden steps down, and she was dammed if she was going to let Dr. Stover help her down! She jumped out of his grasp and hopped down the stairs. They had laid a blanket down for her. Again she was dammed if she was going to lay on it, and chose a nice spot on the grass, about 2 inches from the edge of the blanket. Stubborn to the bitter end! :) Toqua's picture and a short blurb about her battle have been added to the CANINE Cancer Research USA facebook page, on their wall. I could have wrote a book, but I was kept to 5-6 sentences. :) Most of you know our story much more intimately. To those still fighting their battles - I know it seems hard to be strong some days, but you can do it. Many times through the past 3.5 months I found strength I didn't know I had. You can beat the odds! Jessi

Jessi BC

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. What a wonderful life Toqua had with you. Enjoy her memories and hug up Fin. liz

Liz Ohio

i have always known that when Toqua left me i would plant a tree. i was thinking a dogwood. i remember my grandparents' beautiful white flowering dogwood, and hey, DOGwood, perfect. so, i did some searching today. they can survive and thrive here, so i looked into species. all i knew was i wanted white. Toqua loved the snow and we called her 'snow angel" (one of her many nicknames). well, i found a species called "Cherokee princess" and it has beautiful white flowers. Toqua's name was Cherokee, so i think Cherokee princess is perfect. now i just have to find somewhere to get one. Jessi

Jessi BC

I love the symbolism behind your choice of dogwood tree! They are really beautiful and always give me a lift when they are blooming in the spring.

Jennifer

Jessi, I haven't been on the site much lately and was so sad to hear about Toqua. I loved your story about the Doggie Daycare and New Years Eve! Such a sweetie! It sounds like you were both lucky to of had eachother. My thoughts are with you. Chris & Alex

Chris Pa

Jessi -- I am so sorry to hear that you had to say goodbye to Toqua, but it sounds as if you know in your heart you did the right thing for her. I also love the dogwood tree with that special name as a memorial to your dear sweet girl Your memories will be a great comfort to you. Please take care.

Brenda VA

You know what Jessi? Write that book! A children's book about Toqua, the border collie with all that strength, determination, resilience, and not least fun. You have a way of communicating that would make a great story, Im sure of it. I also have a border collie, Bonnie, and I felt that when Riley left us, Bonnie had done her grieving as he didnt play any more, they used to run through the house, and such fun to watch. Occasionally Bonnie would walk over to Riley and nudge him with her nose. The other day, I was walking her up the road, and we walked past the groomer, on the opposite side of the road, and the owner was walking out with a client who had a little white Riley lookalike on her lead, as I called out hello to the owner. Suddenly Bonnie froze and watched the little dog, and there was this incredible whimpering deep down from inside her. I realised that Bonnie thought it could be Riley. Too sad. :( Best wishes to you and Finley - and the rest of the family. Silka & Bonnie

Silka Melbourne Australia

Jessi - I agree, a children's book about Toqua would be fantastic! You have the writing skills to pull this off, if it interests you. :)

Jennifer

Silka - funny you say that. I have been thinking about writing a book (as part of my fisheries job I write study papers and technical reports). On Wednesday (day 1 without Toqua) I actually started writing about our first two weeks together. Got four pages down and I didn't cry once! It helped me. Remembering when I first saw her, that little fluffy brindle puppy with the white chin. I knew instantly she was mine! I didn't take her home that first day (my girlfriend took home her brother) and it killed me to think she may not be there the following day. Guess we all know how things turned out. :) We spent 10 days camping in the Rockies, and by the end of the trip her and I were inseparable. :) Today is day 4 and I finally feel that it is slowly getting a little easier. I am still filled with unbelievable sadness, but it isn't debilitating. Yesterday was my first day back to work. It was hard to pull in and not have her here, tail wagging, greeting me. Fin is doing alright. He has moments of anxiety. He drags Toqua's bed around with him. He is still looking for her. I didn't think he could get any more sucky than he was, but he has. Glued to my side. Having him here has been a God send. Just such a big goof. He makes me laugh every day. Jessi & Fin

Jessi BC

Hi again Jessi - see? you do want to write this book and there will be so many stories you can tell - who knows it could be another Spot success. I think many of us here know what that sadness feels like - it was the group here who made me see that there was something positive with losing my job, as I was able to spend the last weeks with Riley - but of course Bonnie was my lifesaver, and still is, so I know how comforting it must be to have Finley. One never knows what is around the corner, so much can just change in an instant, just when we expect them to last for a while longer. I will never be complacent again. Fin sounds delightful too. Good luck Jess, you will be fine - and you may be like other kind souls here who provide advice to others. Do you know how I got here? I posted in another forum all blood results for Riley and was desperately asking for advice, and nobody responded, except for an email from Brigitte to come over to this forum, and Im glad I did, it helped me a lot. Remember the good times. Silka

Silka Melbourne Australia

Jessi, I'm sorry this is late but my heart is sadden by your loss of Toqua. As many of us know how heartbreaking it is that our beloved furbabies was taken by this awful disease but know that our beloved furbabies who have alreadymade the journey to the bridge was at the gates to welcome your beloved Toqua with wags and licks. As I type this I remember the day my precious Katie JoJo made her journey and her 1 year anniversary is coming up in exactly 3 weeks and 5 days. Again Jessi you are all in my thoughts & prayers...

Maria Lafayette

This thread was discussed between 23/06/2010 and 28/06/2010

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