Canine Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia (AIHA & IMHA) - The Pain and The Process

Well...it has been two weeks since Macy passed away. In those two weeks there has been a 1 year survivor birthday and the unfortunate passing of Baby and Emsay. I just wanted to share my feelings two weeks into this. I'll start with the bad/tough and end with the good. Sadness: I just feel an overwhelming sadness due to the loss of my best friend. I miss her so much every single day. The mornings when I wake up are the toughest as I keep hoping that this was all a bad dream. Unfortunately, it was not. Helplessness: Since Macy was first diagnosed, I have felt completely helpless. When the vets give you that look of "I am so sorry" you just know it is not good. There have been many survivors and many who did not make it. Now, my helplessness surrounds Macy's sister Sugar Bear. Sugars (as my wife calls her) has not been the same. She doesn't feel like going on walks, mopes around the house, and looks for her sister the whole time when I take her to the dog beach or park. This completely breaks my heart all over again every time. Anger: What is causing this disease and why don't we know? Is it shots? Flea medications? Completely random? I think we as a community of dog lovers deserve to know. I know everything centers around money and funding but if there was something that was killing our human children, as a society we would be more committed to finding out what that was. I personally believe this disease is caused by something we as humans are doing rather than something that is randomly caused by nature. Guilt: We had a baby in October and moved into a new house in November. Was it the stress of bringing a new member into the home and/or moving to a completely different situation that caused the IMHA? Was it my stress or the stress of the household? Was it some shots that I had done? Revolution? Motivation: I feel determined to help find a cure for this disease. I am fortunate enough to live 10 minutes from Dr. Dodds. I am meeting with her next week to see how I can help her organization. I am also committed to donating money to fight this cause as well. I cannot just sit back and accept this disease and accept that Macy was one of the unfortunate ones. I need to do something about it. I finally feel like I have found a calling in my life to really give back and contribute to a cause. Strength: This has been one of my worst nightmares actually coming true. I would have never even thought this possible. Macy was 4 years old. I look at all other things in life as easy compared to the fight we had together against this disease. Work, exercise, etc....all easy compared to this. I know many of you have fought hard or are still fighting. I admire your strength. Pride: I am so proud of how hard Macy fought. She truly gave me, her sister, and most importantly herself everything she had. I am also very proud of myself. I never cut corners in her life...always took her to the beach, park, walks, ride in car. Rain or shine 2 or 3 walks a day. The financial cost may be looked at as crazy by some but I am proud to say that money is not as important to me as a loved one. I am proud that I did everything I could to help her. You all should be very proud of yourselves as well. In closing, some very odd things happened to me during the time of her passing that I thought I'd share. First, the week before she passed away, it rained ALL week long here in So. Cal. which it rarely does. I remember at the end of the week before she passed, my wife and I saw the most amazing rainbow I have ever seen in my life. Coincidence? Maybe...but this rainbow was really, really clear. The day she passed, I was leaving my office to head to the vets and I kissed a picture I have of her. I honestly believe it was at this moment or really close to it that she passed because I got the call 5 minutes later from the vet that she had gone into cardiac arrest. Coincidence? Maybe....Lastly, I don't know if any of you have ever experienced this but I felt her presence very strongly for the first 24 hours after her passing. I would look up in the sky and almost see/feel a larger than life Macy looking down at me. She passed away on a Tuesday night and when I woke up on Thursday, I did not feel that presence anymore. It was like she had gone to wear she needed to be. Sorry for the long post...just wanted to share my thoughts. I do plan on posting something online about her but this time, it was about me and my genuine love for that girl. I miss her deeply.. -Darren

Darren Long Beach

Darren, I think you have summed up the emotions 100%. I hope you don't mind if I share my first night/day of feelings. Today I woke up with a feeling of relief, I wasn't hit with the worry that came each day or every time the phone rang, that makes you sick to the stomach of whether Esmay had been hit with more symptoms during the night or whether her counts had dropped even further. The WORRY was over but the terrible grief had begun. Than, when I had finished crying for the loss of my beautiful, otherwise healthy dog, I began to feel ANGRY!!! How dare this disease I have never even heard of come and take her from me? She was 6 goddamn years old!! I started to get angry and cynical at life itself, and started to imagine the evil plot "what can we do to screw up her life this year? oh that's it, lets take her beloved dog, that will certainly do it!!". And some crazy thoughts like that - but in reading the grief steps on Joanne's page, it's all about of the process isn't it. Illness and death is a fact of life. I felt guilt, I went through all the "what ifs". And that one I will continue to for a good while I'm afraid. And now? I have just got back from taking Esmay down to the shops in the car, I brought her collar along for the ride and I have it sitting next to me on her cushion now. It's comforting and I need to know that she isn't alone!!!! I love how people have dreams about their loved ones when they pass, I desperately hope for something like that to happen to me. The closest I think I will come to anything like that was when I was watching ER last night. Now I have never watched this show in my life, it has something like 15 seasons and the very ep I picked had a woman with AIHA. You wouldn't dream about it. Perhaps that was Esmay being the cheeky thing that she was, we certainly had a chuckle about it. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I loved what you wrote, and I know it helps for each and every one of us to know that we are all going through these same emotions. It hurts like hell, but none of us have to be alone in this grief and I think that is somewhat comforting. :)

M australia

Wow Darren....very powerful! You have put me in tears, mainly because your story of feelings really hit home for me with so many similarities. On the day my AIHA passed away it snowed on the way to the vets. Jacob loved the snow. I took it as God's way of telling me that Jacob would be ok at the Bridge. The waking up in the morning was extrememly hard for me too. Fortunately for us, our surviving dog did fine which was a relief to us. I think it helped that we took him along to say our goodbyes to Jacob and set him free. They spent 12 yrs together and I think Rocky knew his "bro" was sick and it was his time. Rocky passed just 1 month ago at the age of 14 and I hate to admit this but his passing was not as hard as Jacob's. I think it is because we didnt have that feeling of being cheated and we were allowed to watch him grow old gracefully, as opposed to all of Jacob's struggles with fighting AIHA for 6 yrs. My only regret is not having an autopsy done on Jacob. Since he was a long term survivor I look back now and I think an autopsy could have helped with the studies of just how the disease affects the body as a whole long term. Jacob ended up passing from complete liver/kidney failure, likely due to long term pred use. But I would have did it all over again as the pred is what gave me 6 additional yrs with my boy. Please me kind to yourself as you grieve for your Sweet Macy. You will forever miss her but the tears and pain do eventually turn into thoughts of all the great memories. And that, my friend, will never die. Take care, Teresa

Teresa va

Darren That was a very heartfelt post and I do feel your pain and determination to see if something can be done to help find a cure for AIHA. I am sure Macy is so proud of you and what you are doing. I just want to share something with you about the rainbow and I know that Josh also had an experience with one shortly after he lost Sway. I had a Golden that I adopted who was diagnosed with hemangiosarcoma 18 months after she came to live with us. Unfortunately the cancer was to far advanced and there was no hope so we had to make the difficult decision to end her suffering. After saying our goodbyes and watching her peacefully leave this world we left the vets office and walked out to see the most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen and everyone was standing outside the vets office just staring at its beauty. My husband and I knew it was a sign from our beloved Maggie. I think your rainbow was a sign from Macy letting you know she is just fine and letting you know that everything is okay. I think there is reason we were chosen to have an AIHA dog and it is our job to determine what that reason was and try to help others the best way we can. Sending many rainbows your way. Cheryl & Ginger

Cheryl & Ginger Pineville PA

Hey Darren I feel the same way all that you described. I still cry and wonder when it is going to go away. I did have a dream right after Buddy died. i was laying in bed and he was jumping all over the bed like a little rabbit and then he stoped and put his paws around my neck like he used to do every night before bed and just lick my face. This is when i realized that this is a sign that he is ok. Nobody will ever understand how much our babies meant to us. i have a 2 and 3 year old and I always promised myself that i would never be like those people who forget about their dogs after kids and i didn't. If anything he got more attention. you guys are really great. you are all helping me cope with my loss Buddy. Thank you lucy

lucy ny

Darren, My tears were flowing as I read your post. You really put into words what everyone who has lost their friends recently are feeling. As I have said before I really admire the way you are turning such a horrible thing into a postive. I hope your meeting with Dr. Dodds goes well. Keep us posted...Kelly, Max and Tito

Kelly Redding

Hi Darren, Thanx for your wonderful and inspirational post.....it's good to share and get it out of you....2 days ago I spoke with a man who works for "Animal Control" for our County...I was telling him about Codys' AIHA and how he can never get another vaccine again ( he's 2 ) and he told me how COMMON AIHA actually is. He said he believes, from his experience, there is a definite correlation between over-vaccinating ( giving too many vaccines at once ), chemicals ie; heart-gard, flea/tick products, etc....I too believe this IS NOT from nature, but man-made. I think Cody and all other dogs would be perfectly healthy if it weren't for ?????? Probably ALL OF THE ABOVE!!! As I mentioned before, just because we've domesticated them, as a society, doesn't mean their bodies can handle things made in a lab...right? I'm glad you're taking positive action....God Bless you and your family...Tammy and Cody

Tammy/Cody N.J.

Darren, I am so glad that you have shared so much of what you are experiencing right now with us. There is no escaping the deep emotions that come with treating a family member for a serious illness. It is life altering. I can understand your frustration and anger. There is an epidemic of health issues in dogs now. Many purebred dogs are experiencing conditions that are related to poor genetic breeding. In addition, dogs diets have changed in the last 50 years to a mostly kibble diet. There are many environmental challenges to dogs (and humans) that didn't exist 50 years ago. Dr. Jean Dodds has written an excellent paper called "The Canine Immune System and Disease Resistance." I urge you to read this to help you understand some of the variables involved in serious immune diseases. She has written it to be understandable to the average dog owner, which is a great skill she has. I like this particular presentation of this paper on the Canine Epilepsy website, although there are many places you can find this on the web. http://www.canine-epilepsy-guardian-angels.com/ImmuneSystem.htm I attended a workshop with Dr. Dodds about 2 years ago. During a break I talked with her and she agreed that there is an epidemic of canine immune diseases around the world. I indicated to her that I wanted to become active in helping her continue her research (now currently running the Rabies Challenge) and to help save dogs. I asked her what I could do. She said, it is "one dog at a time, save one dog at a time." So I stay here on this forum. I try to help owners sort out all the medical jargon that is thrown at them in the early days of treatment. Without that knowledge it is very hard to make treatment decisions. In many cases owners have to become extremely knowledgeable about results from blood tests and some complex procedures like bone marrow biopsies in order to decide how to treat their dog. my best patrice

Patrice NYS

I think you have summed up beautifully what we all feel. I lost my pup at 9 months which I believe may have been genetic in cause as he was very young and came from a pet shop (puppy farm maybe). I think the IMHA was there a long time just simmering away but when I left him in the care of my family for a week, it erupted. He had IMHA at bone marrow level. No recent vaccinations or flea treatment. I do believe the rainbow and the presence you felt is very real.

Julie Australia

Dear Darren, Thank You for your heartfelt post. This is such a heartwrenching horrible disease.. ((Hugs)) Jess, Keiko and Hushi

Jess BC

Darren, Thanks for your heartfelt post. It made me cry but you also, once again, have given me strength to keep fighting. Emotionally I am a wreck but I have to stay strong for Ruger as I am his biggest advocate. We had a check up today. Not great news, infact I can't even type about it right now because I feel HELPLESS.... but ANGER at the disease, MOTIVATION to beat it, STRENGTH that Ruger (and all of our dogs) gave and are giving to fight it and PRIDE in all of us and our babies (both still here and at the bridge) for going through this and coming at it with all we have...these are the things that will keep me going. Thanks for pointing them out, especially today. I think that your experience during her passing and feeling her with you is awesome...I hope many years from now, that I feel this when my Ruger goes to run free with Macy : ) Thanks again for your post...it really helped me tonight! Jaime and Ruger

Jaime Parker

Beautiful post, and I really never believed in coincidence, especially when it comes to the powerful connection we have with our animals. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, very very powerful and true. melissa and tiggs

melissa slc

Dear Darren -- your post was wonderful. It said so much about what we feel when we lose our beloved dogs to this disease. It has been nearly five years since my husband and I lost our dear Wiley, but I still feel elements of each of those emotions as I miss my sweet beagle girl. We all have to do what we can so that someday other dog parents and their beloved pets will not face the horror of IMHA.

Brenda VA

Darren, How wonderful that you are going to meet up with Dr. Dodds. She is indeed a Saint. She is so gracious with her time and compassion to all who contact her. I have donated to her Rabies Challenge Fund which I hope will finally convince the powers that be that we are vaccinating our pets way too often. As far as research for AIHA Meisha's Hope through MAF is where my donations go. If you haven't gone to MAF's site yet you can go and see the studies that have been done and are being done in the hopes that someday we can all beat this. Penny

Penny Lytle Creek Calif

Darren, that was beautiful!!! Thanks for sharing. Johnny & Tessy

Johnny

This thread was discussed between 10/02/2010 and 14/02/2010

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