Canine Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia (AIHA & IMHA) - Millie - My heart is broken...

I'm so sorry everyone to share my bad news - I am in peices as we decided to let Millie go yesterday. I am in bits and hate myself in case I made the wrong decision I just don't know. She came through her latest crisis at Christmas - the gastroenteritis after being hospitalised but this week she really went downhill physically. Her blood work was fine but she seemed to be unable to stand up from lying down. I took her to the vet on Wednesday and she said it was the high dose of steroids (20mg) that had caused muscle wasting. Her breathing was heavy too when I held her and she yelped when we picked her up. We decided to drop the steroids down to 15mg daily (plus the Atopica). Thursday she was worse and stopped eating, she just lay in her bed - no longer even looking up when I called her name. Friday was the same and Saturday she went out to the loo and just lay down in the freezing cold unable to move. I was having to force the tablets into her which I hated doing. I am in tears all the time - I am devastated and unsure whether I've done the right thing. I just felt she had no quality of life any more she had lost interest in everything - not even looking at me and I felt like I was abusing her by forcing the tablets into her. She didn't even want to eat a peice of sausage or cheese on Saturday morning. And when she just lay down in the garden in the freezing cold it was so pitiful. THe children have taken it better than me being 9 and 11 - she was my baby and I am in so much pain - I wanted to do the right thing by Millie but perhaps I should have forced her to go on I just don't know. I am sorry to share this terrible news with everyone. We fought since June and were winning until she had a crash when the vet dropped the steroids by half in September. That's when she had the blood transfusion and to be honest I think that's when things went downhill - she never bounced back from that. If I could change things with the knowledge I have now I would have made sure we dropped the steroids much more slowly. We were lulled into a false sense of security as she responded so well at the beginning I think. I feel I took my eye off the ball that week too due to problems at work because of the financial crisis which I hate for causing me to do that. I feel I let her down at that time for taking my eye off the ball. I miss her so much just having her presence in the house even though she was unable to do much recently and my little baby to love and cuddle - she was everything to me and I am heartbroken. I was torn into two by wanting to do the best thing and not let her suffer any more - I hate this disease - has anyone else had this happen to them - the blood levels being OK but other things going wrong like this. I am really sorry to share my bad news with everyone I am crying my heart out typing this. Clare

Clare Fox UK

Clare, I was so saddened to open up the forum this morning and to see your message. My heart really goes out to you and your family. Please stop second guessing yourself about what you might have done differently. The horrible thing about this illness is that everyone, even the experts, are feeling their way in the dark to a certain degree when it comes to treatment protocols and med reductions. All dogs are different and no one knows for sure how they will respond to treatment. You loved Millie and I'm sure she knew it, you gave her a good life and in the end, you made your decision based on what you felt was best for Millie. You couldn't have done better than that. It sounds like you carry a big load, having two kids, a job and husband. I hope you can find some quiet personal time to grieve. It's such an important part of the healing process. Please take care. deb and Duck

Debbie BC Canada

Clare, I'm so sorry to hear about Millie's passing, please do not beat yourself up. When their quality of life is not there any longer, you are giving her a gift to let her go; just think of her free from pain, running with the others at the bridge- no meds, no bloodwork, no suffering. For all of us, when we look back we wonder if we could have done something different, but in the moment, we make the best decisions we can make with what we know at that time, and always, you acted in the moment with love for Millie- and she knew that. Please take care and let us know how you are doing, melissa and tiggs

melissa clare

Clare, I am so very sorry to hear of the death of your most beloved Mille. Please accept my deepest sympathies on your loss. When you feel up to it, I hope you will visit the Loss & Grief page at the Meisha's Hope AIHA/IMHA Web site: http://www.cloudnet.com/~jdickson/loss.htm This page was written with input from those who have lost their dogs to AIHA/IMHA and contains many resources that will be very helpful to you during these most difficult days. Once again, my deepest sympathies to you and your family on your loss. Be assured you all are in my thoughts and prayers.

Joanne MN

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Milllie. Take comfort in the fact that she is running pain free at Rainbow Bridge. We have all been struggling with difficult decisions and you have made the most difficult one. I commend you for putting Millie first. Know you made the right choice for her. ((hugs)) Jess and Keiko

Jess BC

Clare, Please don't feel that you let Millie down. A lot of what you described was the same thing that happened with my dog right up to the collapsing in the garden. It does not mean that you did anything wrong. I still catch myself almost 3 years later wondering if I had done this or that would it have made a difference? I think we think that this is like other illnesses that if we do everything we are told it will be put right. Unfortunately with AIHA it doesn't always work that way. Please do not feel that you let Millie down you loved her enough to fight and you showed how much you loved her by letting her go to the bridge even though she would take a large part of your heart with her. I hope in the coming days you can remember the good times with Millie and these awful days will be over shadowed by the joy Millie brought into your life. If you need to talk feel free to email me. Penny

Penny Lytle Creek Calif

A very similar thing happened to me. Georgie was diagnosed with AIHI in early 2007. I spent every week going back an to to the Wirral. I took time off work and did everything I could. It was the local vet who had referred me to Liverpool university who finally said enough was enough. I hated her at the time but with the luxary of hindsight and time I can now see she wanted the best for Georgie not me. I was a wreck for a month. We got another dog straight away but it was only when we took in a second dog did I start to come round. I don't know if it was just the time to return to the real world, the fact I had 2 dogs to care for or what it was. Almost 18 months on I still think of Georgie every day, I still cry, I still ask why Georgie, I still question if I did enough, etc. It doesn't stop but the cliche of time being a great healer is true. Take all the time you need to cry, shout and scream. The time will come when you start to feel some way other than you do now. Do not force it. Do not fight it. Don't let others tell you she was only a dog. Take care Steph

Steph Wales UK

Clare, I am so sorry to hear about Mille. How hard you have tried this year to bring her back to health. Many of us here have been faced with making the tough decision you have had to make. I am sure in my heart that there is no right or wrong decision. We cannot know the future and so we are left guessing what it might bring. Millie did not understand "future" nor did she really understand "past." She lived within the moment. And the moments with you were the things she loved the most. With her own language, she let you know that some of the other things she loved, like food, were not things she enjoyed anymore. But still, Mille would choose to follow you in whatever you wanted. That was her duty. And yours was to choose for her what her destiny would be. I believe you honored Millie by guiding her from this world. You chose her needs over your own and that is a truly wonderful gift. Please accept my deepest sympathy for your great loss. patrice

Patrice NYS

I'm so very sorry to hear about Millie's passing. I pray that you find comfort and peace with your decision. Millie is now with the Lord that made her. SUE

Susie Delaware

I am so sorry you lost your beloved Millie. And I know just how you feel. I have had to make the decision 3 times and it is always so har The first time, I hung onto my Irish Setter to long, let him suffer to long. He was diagnsed witha spinal infection and tho we tried many different antibiotics, none worked. I determined then to never let another dog suffer liker I had let Red suffer. My 2ed Irish developed bone cancer in a rear leg. We gave him a great last 10 weeks and when we found it had spead to his shoulder, we let him go. It was hard, I almost changed my mind at the last minute, knowing I could have him another few days before he would be unable to get around. But I I knew that was selfish of me. I would bekeeping him for me, I would be letting him go for him I let him go. Lat May my 8 yur. 9 month old golden retriever was diagnosed with cancer. She had surgery, but 48 hours later was so bad I knew I had to let her go. I was at the hospital with her and aasked the tech to call my vet to come in and release her. However, KayCee died in my arms before he arrived. But I had made the decision to let her go. It is never easy and I think 99% of us wonder afterwards if we should have waited another day. But we know we did right by our beloved dogs.

Sandra Texas

Clare, Try not to second guess yourself as you know in your heart and Millie knows that you did what was best for her. You said it yourself when you said "she had no quality of life any more she had lost interest in everything". It's what we all try to prepare ourselves for - to have the courage and compassion to do what's right for them when the time comes. To think of them only and not the pain we will feel at their loss. Millie is in a better place with no pills, nausea, or pain anymore. I believe that we will all meet up with our furry friends again some day. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. Chris & Alex

Chris Pa

Dear Clare, My heart breaks for you. I know you must be devastated and that you miss Millie so very much, but don't torture yourself with all this self blame. You loved her and you did everything humanly possible. When she could no longer go on and her time had come, you did the loving and humane thing --- you ended her suffering. There'll always be a special place in your heart for her and missing her will be hard. I pray that God will give you the strength and comfort to move forward. I have no doubt that our dogs return to their Creator and that Millie is romping around in heaven, free from pain and disease. He entrusts them to us for a few wonderful years and we should be forever thankful for the time we have with them. Be comforted by the knowledge that you loved Millie and gave her the best possible life a little dog could have. God Bless You, Karen

Karen NC

Clare, I'm truly sorry for your loss. Like the others I say try not to 2nd guess yourself. It sounds to me that you did the right thing. You gave your girl one final gift, releasing her from the pain and illness, on to the bridge where she waits to reunite with you one day. I wish I had some magic words that could provide you peace of mind. You fought so hard and did the very best you could by your Millie. She knows that and she knows how much you love her. She always will. Teresa

Teresa Oklahoma

Claire, i am so so sorry to hear your sad news but you cannot and you must not blame yourself in anyway at all. Even if you had been with her every moment of every day things may still not have been any different. We all seek to blame ourselves especially as a lot of the time we can only second guess what is going on, if only dogs could talk and tell us how they feel. Millie will have known just how much you love her and right now though the pain seems unbearable it will get better. I am angry that not enough seems to be known in this country about this disease, when I lost Holly the vet did not seem all that clued up. Like you Holly meant the world to me and I miss her every day but it has got easier though! Sending you lots of love to help you through the days ahead. xxx Keri

Keri Lynn wales

Clare, I am so sorry about Millie. Please do not second guess. My boy Ollie exhibited the same symptoms of heavy breathing and not looking me in the eyes, also laying out in the cold, even though his numbers were steady, and through a blood test it was determined that he had a blood clot in his lungs. With those, there is nothing you or a vet are able to do. I know how you are feeling, as I have been second guessing myself for the last couple months, but please know that at that point things were out of your hands. This simple fact has helped me cope and find a little peace, and take comfort in the fact that you were able to make that decision, and that you did all you could do prior. Please allow the greiving process to take its own course. I cry a lot, in public and in private still, its been 2 months. But I've just let it fly whatever and wherever I'm feeling it. Some friends and family don't really understand and people look at me weird, but thats ok. If you need anything, reach out here as people on this board understand EXACTLY how your feeling. I was just at our local animal shelter while my friend adopted a dog and had the thought of how lucky all the dogs on this board are to have such dedicated owners that have done and are doing everything they can for them, expending so much time, finances, energy and love for their dogs. You did right by Millie. I'm sure she thanks you for it.

mj duckcoop@hotmail.com

Dear Clare I am sorry to hear of the loss of your Millie. There is so little that I can say to comfort you, please know that we all care and share in your pain. I wish you strength, courage and peace to help you get through this difficult time. You did everything you could and Millie's earth suit could just not be fixed. May happy memories of Millie soon replace your sadness. Respectfully Cheryl & Ginger

Cheryl & Ginger Pineville PA

Clare- Praying for you, so sorry to hear of Millie's passing... thinking about you during this difficult time.

Josh California

Dear Clare -- I was so sorry to read of Millie's passing, and like so many others here, I have some idea of ghe grief you are feeling and the second guessing that you are doing. Please know that you did all that you could to help Millie with the information and resources that were available to you. You and she fought hard, and every decision that you made for her was because you loved her so. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that your memories of your wonderful life with Millie and the love that you shared will comfort you as you grieve. The grief from losing a dog to this disease is so intense -- this unknown predator of a disease strikes our dogs and so many times we've barely come to grips with the shock of it and then we've got to face the grief that comes with it. Your Millie is in a better place now -- free from pain and pills -- and it's because you loved her so much that you set her free. Please take care and let us know how you are doing. In the 3 1/2 years since I lost my beloved Wiley to IMHA, the people of this forum have been a continuing comfort. They understand the grief does become more bearable, but it never really ends, so we all need to be there for each other. I will light a candle on the AIHA page at gratefulness.org in memory of your sweet girl and your love for each other.

Brenda VA

Clare, Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in the loss of Millie. Like everyone has said, please do not bear this guilt of doing what you thought best for her to end her suffering. They always say, and I have had that experience in previous dogs, that when they have had enough they will let you know, and I think that is exactly what she did, she told you it was time to let her go, knowing how much you loved her and she loved you. Please take care. Linda

Linda Sapphire

Clare~ Millie runs free and happy now. No more pills or vet visits and being poked for blood. ....I know you are in such agony right now. Please know we all care and we are with you as you grieve your loss. Take care.

Cynthia Grosse Pte

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My son and his gf's cocker spaniel was also diagnosed with AIHA in August and they too went through a similar situation with their dog, having little bits of improvement, and then not. The week after Christmas their dog, came down with inflammation of the liver, couldn't stand properly and was falling over, and were told it was from the prednisone and the Imuran so they decided to put her down because they felt she was suffering. They were also heart broken as a result. Just know that you sacrificed your feelings and put Millie first so she wouldn't have to suffer anymore and that's the most anyone can give of themselves. Always remember that you did it for her and that was the right thing to do. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this pain ((((( Hugs )))))

Dorri

Thank you all so much for your comforting words and prayers. I cannot believe how devastated I am - yes I look like a prune too. I wish I could "pull myself together" but I can't seem to. Just when I think I'm OK I start to cry again. I've spoken to the pet funeral arrangers and they are coming to collect Millie later - I've been advised not to see her again by the vet as she is in their cold storage facility whatever that means. I think she will be cremated I will keep the ashes with me in a special box. All our other pets are buried at Mum's paddock but Mum (who is now elderly) felt it would be too difficult to dig a hole at this time of year. I hope I'm doing the right thing. The children were looking at other westie puppies at the weekend online and although I was tempted (in my stupour of grief) I think I owe it to Millie to wait a little. I drank a whole bottle of wine on Saturday evening but I still couldn't stop the tears. Thank you once again for all your comments and I'm sorry to be wallowing in my grief so much - it's such a comfort to know others understand how I'm feeling. I truly hope Millie is now with my Dad and his two dogs and all our other pets up in heaven. I hope in time she will give me her blessing to lavish my love on another little dog. Millie I love you.x Clare.

Clare UK

Oh, Clare. My heart aches for you. I think second guessing yourself is part of the process -- I was doing the same about Raven driving into work this morning. Like MJ, it's been almost 2 months from me, and I still cry almost every day. It's nothing like those first few weeks, though, when I simply drained every tear out of me. If you're like me, Millie's death is like a video reel that won't stop churning in your head. As time passes, I'd encourage you to find friends who will let you remember all the good and funny things Millie did during her life. That still brings tears, of course, but much different tears. If you need a voice who understands your mourning journey, please feel free to drop me a line. In the meantime, you're in my prayers for hopes of healing. At the very least, you have a group here who understands. Sharon

Sharon CT

Clare: I am so sorry to hear of Millie. Try not to beat yourself up. You made a very loving decision for her and you need to trust yourself. Thinking of you and yours.

Courtney SLO

Clare, I know it's hard and the tears will flow but it's only been a couple of days so it's bound to be raw. We make them such members of our family, I was much more upset when I lost Holly than I was when my grannie died and I adored my grannie, but she was almost 90 and I didn't spend every day with her like I did Holly. I too was advised not to see Holly again as she had been in cold storage and they told me it wouldn't be the Holly I knew and loved. My dad who is a shamen told me that the body is just a host for the soul and that Holly's soul will always be with me. I still cry about her most days and ask why? I can totally understand the children looking at puppies already and you will know when the time is right , for me it was only a couple of weeks as I couldn't bear not having some springer madness around and boy have I got some! I think children accept things better than we do, my 3 year old loved Holly so much but tells me she's a star now and watches us at night time whilst we sleep. Stay strong and if you want to e-mail me at anytime, please feel free as I know exactly what you're going through. Sending you some hugs Keri xx

Keri Lynn Wales UK

So sorry to read of your loss of Millie. I understand exactly how you are feeling. I miss my little dog so much but it does get a bit easier with time. I got a new pupply almost a month later but it is only now six months on that I feel I have really bonded with him and I do think it is great therapy for healing when you are ready.

Julie Australia

Dear Clare, so sorry about your loss. It will be 1 month tommorow that I lost my baby Shea to AIHA after being sick for less than a week. I cried more than I thought was possible. I still cry, but less so, because I try to remember how much she loved me and I KNOW that she would not want to be the source of my unhappiness. They are our angels and wish for us nothing but wonderful thngs. I believe all of our dogs recognize our care, love and commitment to them. They do not hold us accountable for making difficult decisions when they are made out of love. I beleive our dogs stay with us in spirit. This was their home, and we were their family. They can cross the bridge to be in that beautiful place, while also watching out for us. When the time is right, I'm sure that they would rejoice if we were able to find another pup to love and give a home to. Remember, you are never replacing, just adding to the family. What I struggle with most is just missing my little girl. I know she's happy and healthy again, but that dull ache, that longing to touch, hug & kiss them again takes longer to heal. Have faith in the love that you and Millie shared. It will give you strength while you grieve. And know that you are not alone. With blessings, Irene

Irene Arizona

Dear Clare, I am so sorry for your loss of Millie. I know just how hard it is, i lost Kent only two weeks and 1 day ago, and I grieve everyday. Kent also had good blood work, but developed alot of other issues, and eventually did not eat, or want to play, though he was still 'there'. I wonder everyday whether or not we did the right thing on the last day of his life, and I do not know. I try to understand that it was better that he not suffer further, that by not eating for 4 days, losing .5 pound a day, and his wanting only water when i brought it to him that it was a matter of days only til he might have died naturally. I did not want him to suffer, and i was afraid he would suffocate, as he had such a hard time breathing, was panting, and looking increasingly distressed. Clare, there is no way to ever know, and there is no 'right way' or 'right time' and there is always a risk. The one sure thing is that any dog, healthy or not, will break your heart some day. The important thing, i think, is to love them every bit every day with all your love - just appreciate and love them while we have the gift of their presence in our lives. You did that. You cared for a wonderful dog who became sick with a disease that only has questions, not answers. You did your best, and Millie knows it. I know its hard, and you will grieve for a long long time. Try to have your feelings, and also try, as hard as it is, to remember all the good things. I know its so hard, and I just want you to know I am thinking of you. Please take care of yourself, RIP Millie, Christine and Angel Kent

Christine FL

This thread was discussed between 11/01/2009 and 14/01/2009

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